Okay, I’m ready to label myself as suicidal.
Found myself on Lifeline’s crisis support chat tonight. I found myself in a bit of a state. It’s no secret that I’m in a bad way at the moment. I’m in this confusing place where I’m suicidal but in no way do I want to kill myself. All of the thoughts in my head are giant contradictions, driving me insane and leaving me feeling trapped.
At one point this evening, I was writing my hypothetical suicide note. I want to make it clear that I do not plan on killing myself. But I was driving home earlier, and Adam’s Song by Blink-182 came on my iPod. It’s such a perfect song. The one line… “Please tell mom this is not her fault.” That’s when the waterworks started. If I were to act on these thoughts, I wouldn’t want anyone to place blame on themselves. It’s no one’s fault that I am how I am.
Anyway, writing my hypothetical suicide note began unexpectedly as quite therapeutic. Four paragraphs in and I start thinking about my sisters. Leaving my sisters is such a devastating thought to me that I had to stop writing. I burst into tears. I couldn’t breathe. My chest was heavy. My anxiety is killing me.
Leaving my sisters and leaving my brothers – that is what holds me here. I can’t leave them. No way, no how.
The rest of my family would deal, my friends would deal. I’m not saying it would be easy. I know they would grieve. I know they would blame me and maybe hate me and think that I was selfish. I would feel that way if anyone I loved committed suicide.
I know I’m loved and I’m lucky I have people in my life that care about me. But that doesn’t make the thoughts go away.
I’m probably going to cut tonight. I need to see blood. I know how strange that must sound to someone who doesn’t cut. But it will make me feel better.
An afterthought: I’m planning on seeing my doctor on Monday, the first available appointment, to confess exactly how I’m feeling. I’m super scared. I’ve never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts before, especially not a doctor. I don’t know what to expect and I hope he doesn’t suggest hospitalisation or anything like that. I’m also scared because I really don’t have a family member or friend that I can expect to be a support or what not for me at the moment. But I’m not okay and I can’t do nothing.
zoloftlife. 
Same! I feel incredibly suicidal when I get to my worst but I don’t want to die. I want to recover, it just makes my head hurt more. *Hugs*
I’m glad you’re going to a doctor to confide your suicidal thoughts. This is very important. Please don’t try to deal with it on your own. Depression is a disease just like high blood pressure, cancer, or diabetes. It has to be treated. I’ve seen that you’ve looked at my blog. If you haven’t already, please go all the way down to the beginning to get the full picture of what suicide does to the people left behind. My 23 year old medical school student daughter took her life 4-11-13. She didn’t mean to hurt us, but the pain she had mentally overrode the desire not to hurt us and she just wanted her pain to end. We never even knew she was depressed. She never sought help. She was living her dream. She had the world in her grasp and depression took it ALL away and left me a shell of a personand left her lying in her grave . I wish you well. When you get time to read, read this: http://welding81.wordpress.com/
I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been going through, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I read your blog often (I have gone back and read all of your posts) and I want to thank you, sincerely, for sharing your pain. It cannot be easy. Your writing is incredibly honest and moving and I am often brought to tears by your posts. Hearing your experience and your emotions and your thoughts and exactly how much pain Kaitlyn’s death has caused you honestly drives me away from the grips of those suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my family to go through something like that – the thought of leaving them in such pain tears me apart inside. But leaving them would be too much pain to expect anyone to bear and I hate that you are going through it. I hope you continue to write – not only as an outlet for yourself, but because you are helping others who may be in a similar place to where Kaitlyn was by being so honest. I appreciate you taking the time to comment; you are in my thoughts.
Thank you Zoloft. I hate to think of one more beautiful life wasted by suicide. It does leave bitter devastation in its wake that I don’t think the person doing it realizes. My daughter knew it would hurt us deeply because she wrote it in her note. She was just too consumed with depression to not do what she did, where in normal life she would have never hurt us. I hope it goes well for you and I wish you happiness.
Thank you for all your nice comments.
I feel the same way. My family is the only thing that keeps me in this world. If I haven’t committed suicide yet, it’s only because I don’t want to hurt them. By the way, how was your appointment with the doctor? Was it of help? I’ve thought about seeing one too, but it would be useless, only to be able to vent my feelings. I know no one can fix my life.
My reply is rather delayed, but a late reply is better than none? I have yet to see my doctor, not for lack of trying… when I eventually worked myself up to calling to make an appointment, I was told by the receptionist that he is on leave at the moment. You may have read some of my more recent posts, but I saw another doctor, to whom I admitted nothing other than anxiety, and I got a referral to my new psychologist. I do plan on telling my regular GP everything still once he is back in a weeks time; I’ll make a post about that after I do it so keep an eye out. I really do like my psychologist, although it’s only been one session… I do feel as though it won’t help to fix my life, but I need to do something – I won’t kill myself and I can’t stay alive with all of these thoughts trapped in my head, so the mental health professionals really are the only option to get everything out. I do see it more as just going to vent, but maybe I’ll learn something useful in the process, who knows? I’d encourage you to see a doctor about it. The worst that could happen, realistically, is that you wouldn’t find it helpful and still be in the same place, but at least you’d have tried. My email is laurenn.jade@live.com.au if you ever have any questions or thoughts etc that you’d like to talk about.
Please don’t take your life. I attempted twice last year, and I saw firsthand how it affected my friends and family. I still suffer from various kinds of mental illness.
I also love “Adam’s Song.” But even telling a mother that it wasn’t her fault would not help in the least. I don’t know how close you are to your mother, but your brothers and sisters would be haunted with guilt for the rest of their lives. They would always wonder what they could have done and why they didn’t do more to help you. Your death would crush them forever.
I say all this in love. If you haven’t already, you can check out my blog at http://thepsychword.com. Some posts are about my family being hurt just from my attempts. If you need someone to chat with, feel free to email me anytime at thepsychword@gmail.com.
Love,
Topaz
Thanks for your comment. I do not plan on taking my own life, simply because the thoughts of leaving my siblings behind hurts me more than the mental anguish I am going through, and that will always be enough to hold me here. I’ve lived with this anguish for years; I can handle it and any other kind of pain for the rest of my life if it means not hurting my family so badly. I certainly know that telling people it was not their fault would not help in the slightest in the hypothetical event of my suicide – that line in the song just had me in uncontrollable tears though. I didn’t include that in here for any other reason apart from that it was playing by chance at the time I started thinking about writing my hypothetical suicide note and made me cry.
I have to admit, that line in the song is packed with so much emotion, I usually cry when I hear it.